By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
