Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
