He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
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I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
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We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
This can only be settled by a dance off.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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