i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
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