Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
