I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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