Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
