im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
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