The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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