Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Let's get the cat blown out
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
