I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
