It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
