Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
