Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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