69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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