I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
