Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
