Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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