Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Will exercising make me less horny?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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