I am spending my child support on dildos
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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