a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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