So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
