If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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