ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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