mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
