I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
