I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I just made out with a guy for $7.
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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