I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
