I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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