If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Also, beer. Big fan.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Randomize
