I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
