I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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