so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
