i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Randomize
