i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
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