This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
