I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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