just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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