He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
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