3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize