Pants 0. Shit 1.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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