I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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