and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
