I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Randomize
