When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
this just has baby written all over it
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
