I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
