I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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