She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
