you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
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