My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
