2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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