Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
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