Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Randomize
