I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
