Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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